Monday, March 05, 2007

Let Me Break Your Heart and Then Ask You If We Can Still Be Friends

I have been dying to write something in this blog for ages. I gotta admit it that the past few weeks have been a hectic one. That and the fact that I caught a flu/fever and had sore throats and brief dizziness. Next time, I'll definitely make sure I get enough rest and intake of food. huhu.

The other day, my friend and I were suddenly on a topic about recent people who somewhat left a scar in our life; and that that lead to him again. She asked me,"Why can't I just be friends again with him?" I keep talking about every stupid detail that has to do with every stupid encounter with every stupid thing that is related to him. The horror. It's not that I can't stop thinking of that stupid thing that I'm not supposed to think about. It's just that certain things make me think about it especially the stupidity of myself.

Now, my answer to her question is, I still want him to be my friend. But if I just go on with him like nothing happened, its like saying that what he did was right. That using me, betraying me and every single thing that he did that made me feel hurt was right. Sometimes, I think of him and I don't feel any sense of hatred towards him. Sometimes. Most of the time, it's not that way at all. I keep saying, "He's mean" 100 times a day. Sorry.

I don't know when I can forgive him for what he did. And I don't know anything that can make me forgive him. It's seems like an impossible thing to do. Maybe, it has to be done face to face. Maybe, I have to tell every single thoughts to him. Maybe, I have to cry in front of him until I can't cry no more. Hah. Stupid ideas. Stupid thoughts. One thing I know for sure now is, the road of forgiveness is still a long way to go.