Downer

I feel like screaming my lungs out right now.

Aaaa...
But before I continue my screaming, let me tell why. I just finished my final exams. Okay, that doesn't seem right. Shouldn't I be jumping for joy? I should, but I'm not. You see, this has been the worst finals ever! Most of the papers I sat for was really hard, and I didn't even have time to pick myself up after each of the downers since the papers were back to back. Imagine sitting for FOUR three-hour papers (except one of the which was just 2 hours) in FIVE days. There was certainly no rest period between any of the papers. Then, this is ironic. The gap between the second last and last paper is SEVEN-freaking days!! Haha! It has it's own freaking study week. But after sitting for that paper during the finals which was just a like an hour ago, it doesn't matter if you gave me a month to study for this paper, because the questions were unexpectable! Haih. I had high hopes for this paper and now it turns out to be another downer. I was planning to go and have some fun now, but all the mood has gone away. I'd rather just stay in my room and sleep 'til like there's no tomorrow. So, let me do that..

'til then. Toodles

Friends

What does that word really mean? Do friends lie to each other, back stab each other, pretend as though you like each other even when you don't or pretend to like their presence when they are the last person you want to be with? For me, it is. To this one person. I used to be quite close to her but now, everything just seems so fake. It's like she hates my guts so much, but I don't know why.

There was one thing she did that really hurt me so much. She lied to me. Straight to my face. Lying is one thing. It works when you're really good at covering it. But this one, there was no way to cover it. Because, in the end, I would still find out.

The story goes like this. She lied to me and I found out. I was so hurt. I felt so down and frustrated. I kept crying. Everything just seemed so wrong. Everything that didn't go my way would get my critic. It was all because of her (and at that same time, him). That week was the worst week of my life. With all the tests and quizzes that I had to face. Somehow, I was strong enough to survive it.

I hate her but I pretend as though there is nothing wrong between us (I hate him but...). Life just goes on. No matter how hurt you are of that someone.

Moody

I wasn't in a very good mood yesterday. Thoughts of many things just crashed in my head and my brain malfunctioned for most of the day. I was really sensitive, my tears pouring down like heavy rain. I was feeling that way when I was writing the last post.

I was mad at him. I was sad because of him. My heart ached for what he did to me. I felt as if I was sitting there and clapping my hands to a silent sound; only my hand was doing the clapping. Not his. I would get excited about something and my immediate reaction is to tell him and there he is, not caring at all. But every time he tells me, I smile from end to end. I react as if it was the most funniest thing that happened or most weirdest thing or whatever it is. Sometimes, he would just move on to another topic and leave the previous one hanging, that is after hours and hours of leaving me hanging, waiting in the dark. I would be sad but acted like nothing happened.

But yesterday was just the pinnacle of all pinnacles. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was as if he was treating me like I'm a lifeless doll, like I didn't have feelings. So, I just lost it. I lost my mood. There was something else on my mind that was bothering me too but that was just sitting by the sidelines. He said he was sorry and I accepted his apology.

Then, he did it again. He started to care again. He started to say things that... I just don't know how to explain it. 'He's doing it again.' That's what I said to myself. All of this is just confusing me. Sometimes he cares, sometimes he doesn't. Can't he just make up his mind? Should I give this guy a chance? If I were to compare him to the other guys that tried to win me, he's losing. Quite bad. But he sure does win in other departments. I'm not gonna tell which. Hee~

For now, I'm happy the way this has turned out to be. I mean, he's trying to keep my feeling's in check. I just don't like the fact he's still playing with my feelings. What is it with guys?

Toodles.

I Can't Read Minds

I have this tendency to attract people that expect me to read their minds. Especially when it comes to that. You know... that. I'm quite sick and tired of this. The latest one is the most mind boggling of them all. I thought I knew it but what I thought was wrong. I think. See! Even I don't know what is running in that mind of his. It's like he cares but he doesn't. He gives you signs of jealousy and all that but then later he acts as if you mean nothing to him.

How do you decipher all this? What does it really mean? He makes me so insecure. Really insecure. No one has ever made me feel this insecure in my life. Sometimes, I think he is for real while other times I think he's just playing with me. He just wants to step on my gorgeous little head. Using me for his own good like when he needs someone to talk to when he's lonely. I liken the way he treats me as his punching bag. When you punch it, you will feel satisfied while that punching bag will get hit after hit. Cool, huh?

It really hurts that he has to do this to me. I cry every time I feel insecure. At this rate, I would probably run out of tears by I'm 30. My eyes are as swollen as a cute panda's eyes. The funny thing is even though he makes me cry silently at night, in my sleep, I still laugh at his jokes. I still wait anxiously for his messages. I still think of him every single moment. It's true what they say. Love is blind.

Toodles.